The Hidden Struggle: Navigating Everyday Life with a Fearful Dog

Living with a fearful dog can be hard. Concentrating all your resources on the well-being of a dog who struggles to adapt to your busy world can often lead to mental exhaustion, emotional burnout, physical stress, financial hardship, and even strained relationships.

While compassion fatigue is widely accepted as a serious issue in the human ‘care’ industries such as healthcare, first response, and social work, it also encompasses animal care, veterinary practice, sheltering, and rescue. Dr. Charles Figley, a professor at Tulane University and renowned in multiple fields including traumatology, mental health, and psychology, defines compassion fatigue as “the deep physical, emotional, and spiritual exhaustion that can result from working day to day in an intense caregiving environment”. This “cost of caring” (a term also coined by Dr. Figley) can leave your quality of life so depleted that you are reluctant or unable to continue to support the needs of your fearful dog. 

Compassion fatigue is a very real issue, but I don’t think we talk enough about the toll it can take on individuals who care for a dog with behavior challenges. Whether you thought you knew what you were getting into or you were completely blindsided by the level of support that your fearful dog requires, it may be at times overwhelming to meet your dog’s needs. I’m willing to bet that anyone who has ever added a fearful dog to their family felt that they were failing their dog at some point; they weren’t good enough, smart enough, and patient enough to move their dog past their issues. And the more under-socialized, reactive, stressed, or terrified your dog is, multiplies the feelings of inadequacy, failure and hopelessness that accompany life-limiting issues.

First Things First

Let’s start by being really honest and simply acknowledging our feelings. Often, positive feelings may be easier to identify because they seem more socially acceptable and everyone loves the “sunshine and rainbows” that come with a perfect moment or behavior breakthrough. But negative emotions like frustration, fear, anger, and sadness are equally as valid and are arguably more important to identify and work through because they indirectly and directly impact how we will relate to our dog and problem-solve on our dog’s behalf in the future.

How you feel may change with the time of day, success with potty breaks, and your dog’s interactions with you, your family, or strangers on the street. They can further be influenced by what’s going on in the rest of your busy life. And depending on your upbringing and history, even labeling emotions may be really uncomfortable. Do it anyway. Name the emotions and what is currently causing those feelings: How do you feel when your dog hides from you when you accidentally trip over the rug? How do you feel when your dog barks and barks and barks at visitors to your home?  

Start Small

It may be as simple as taking a moment and saying out loud, “I feel so sad and frustrated that my dog can’t walk down our street without freezing and trying to run back home”, or “I am scared that I am failing my dog”. Honesty can be very liberating. You are acknowledging what may be some hard truths (“I resent my dog sometimes for the extra work it takes to leave the house”) but the world didn’t stop spinning on its axis and you weren’t struck down by a bolt of lightning in retribution for your less than sunny outlook. 

If acknowledging your feelings out loud is too raw, at least formulate the sentences in your mind. 

Putting your feelings in writing may be more your speed. It can be as elaborate or as simple as you want, as long as you’re honest about your emotional state: Writing your feelings down on scrap paper, then crumpling it up and throwing it away can be cathartic. 

A dedicated journal is a great way to track your feelings as well as your dog’s behavior. It can also be used as a log to chart your dog’s daily behavior and changes over time, which in turn may assist your vet in diagnosing any medical or behavioral issues.

A calendar with a simple smiley face drawn for a good day or a frowny face drawn for a bad day is a simple, graphic way to track how you feel about daily interactions with your fearful dog.

And if you’re really excited about spreadsheets, this is a perfect opportunity to put your Excel skills to good use.

Any Feeling You Have is Valid for You

Now that you’ve labeled your feelings, accept that you are entitled to feel what you’re feeling. Working through another being’s fear is HARD. Working through another being’s fear when you don’t speak the same language or process things the same way is HARD. Juggling your dog’s care full-time along with all your other responsibilities is HARD. Changing your lifestyle to accommodate your dog’s needs is HARD. Not knowing if your dog will ever be comfortable in your home is HARD. 

Also, know that you are not alone. When you start talking to others in similar situations, you will encounter the same doubts and worries that you have. It’s often the price we pay for falling in love with fearful, anxious, or shy dogs. People with the biggest hearts are most empathetic to the struggles of their fearful dogs, and there are many big-hearted people in this world.

Be kind to yourself; having negative feelings is normal and acknowledging them is healthy.

Find the Support You Need 

Can you ask someone in your life to be a sympathetic listener? Let them know upfront that you need them to be non-judgmental and willing to sit in the space you’re creating without problem-solving or offering advice. Talking through how you are feeling and why you feel that way can be cathartic and also open up avenues of thinking that you would not have access to if you didn’t “talk it out”. 

Look on-line. You may have to search to find groups that align with your ideologies, but a good place to start is by searching for keywords like ‘force free’, ‘relationship based training’, ‘positive reinforcement’, ‘fear and anxiety’ and checking to see how similar topics are handled historically before opening up about your feelings (Hint: The eXtraOrdinary Dog Community, our private Facebook group for shy and fearful dogs and the people who love them, is a safe space for exactly this reason).

Remind yourself that you are doing the best you can with the information you have. To paraphrase the American poet Maya Angelou, when you know better then you do better. Call your local (force free) shelter to see if they have a program that offers help for fearful dogs, or other resources that they could share with you. Interview force free, positive reinforcement trainers who have experience with fearful dogs. Some may offer a free 15-minute consultation and discounted remote learning options. Ask your vet if they can help with behavior, and if they can’t, reach out to a Veterinary Behaviorist, a specialist with many additional years of education and experience who deals strictly with behavior issues. 

Can you slowly introduce a new person (who will follow your directions exactly) to your fearful dog so you can have more freedom and a chance to get away to recharge? Your vet’s office may have vet techs willing to pet sit, and local colleges or dog training facilities might have a perfect candidate for a new friend for your fearful dog. If you don’t know how to set introductions up, a knowledgeable, force-free trainer who is experienced with fearful dogs can help.

Professional support in the form of therapy may help you organize your emotions and formulate a path forward, and give you a way to anchor yourself while replenishing your capacity for compassion. 

Set Personal Limits

You probably can’t scroll through your feeds or chat with your neighbor without getting an onslaught of advice on how you should be “fixing” your fearful dog. Well-meaning and not-so-well-meaning friends and family members often have a lot to say about your relationship with your dog and all the things they would do to solve the problems they see. Your feelings of sadness, anger, frustration, resentment, overwhelm, exhaustion, and fear are often minimized by those who really have no idea what it’s like to live day to day with a fearful dog, and you definitely don’t need the burden of other people’s expectations weighing you down.

It may take some practice, but if the advice you’re getting is making your life harder or your dog’s behaviors seem worse, you need to stand up for yourself and your dog by saying “Thanks. We are working through it.” Then change the subject. 

If that doesn’t shut the conversation down, then you need to let the advice-givers know that the subject is closed. Period. No long explanations are needed, but you will be to be direct, let them know that you heard them, and then change the subject or walk away. Nobody is owed an explanation of why or how you support your fearful dog.

I highly recommend first role-playing to practice making your words authentic and easy to convey, especially since you will probably need to deliver them in a stressful situation. Rehearse with a trusted friend or family member until you can say your piece succinctly, without leaving an opening for debate.

Remind yourself that you can always, always walk away. We constantly advocate for our fearful dogs by giving them distance from their triggers, and the same principle holds true for you, too. If you are going over threshold, turn around and walk in the opposite direction, no explanation is needed. It’s actually quite empowering to simply and quietly disengage.

Check, Please

Give yourself permission to check out. When those big, negative feelings threaten to overwhelm you because you’ve come home to a shredded couch or had an off-leash dog rush up to you on your daily walk, stop and take three deep slow breaths. Make sure your dog is safe and in a secure space with something to chew or lick. Then walk away. That’s right, walk away. Remove yourself from the situation and do something for yourself. Get that cup of coffee; walk around your backyard looking at the trees; play a video game. It doesn’t matter what you do, but do something for yourself. You are absolutely not in any frame of mind to care for your dog when you so desperately need to care for yourself.

Turn It Around

Set up a predictable daily routine for you and your dog. Loosely set times for walks, meals, naps, playtime, enrichment, training, recharging time for you, etc. This routine can help you both feel more in control and less anxious with a schedule to follow. Fearful dogs especially thrive with predictability.

Ditch the ‘shoulds’: I should walk my dog; I should take her to the park; I should (fill in the blank). No, you shouldn’t. 

You shouldn’t do anything that causes you or your dog anxiety. Life isn’t always about pushing forward. Sometimes it’s about standing still and appreciating what we have right before us. 

There will be time for training and modification, but sometimes management alone can reduce your dog’s fear and let you take a step back and regroup. Does your dog panic on neighborhood walks? Stop walking her in the neighborhood. Instead, set up your backyard with enrichment such as treat scatters, firewood or branches to sniff and walk around, a sand pit for digging, and whatever else brings your dog joy. Does your dog bark incessantly at visitors to the house? Set up a safe space with the best long-lasting treats, sound masking such as brown noise or fan noise or music, soft bedding, and novel toys. Make it the best space ever. Your dog should look forward to going to her safe space and you can enjoy your visitors.

One Good Thing

In a calm moment, see if you can come up with one good thing about your dog. It may be that she has beautiful eyes, or that she chose to stay in the same room with you instead of retreating to her crate. It doesn’t matter what you come up with, but it will help remind you that even if everything else feels terrible, you can find one good thing about your dog.

Once you find one good thing about your dog, look inward to find one good thing about yourself as a caregiver for your dog. Did you lay out a towel for your wet dog to walk on instead of stressing her out by picking up her feet to wipe them? Did you sneak some leftover sweet potato in her bowl as a special treat?

Make time for yourself. I know, I know…there aren’t enough hours in the day and there are too many people and dogs depending on you. But here’s the thing: if you don’t make even a little time for yourself, no one else will either. Be intentional about it, because you need to be the one to fill up your own compassion reserves. Make a list of ten things, from immediately accessible to more long-term, that you will enjoy and that will help you take back a little of the joy you’ve lost. Put that list where you can see it every day as a reminder to be kind to yourself. If even a quiet cup of tea is too much, try looking out the window at something in nature (a tree or plant or the sky) and take ten deep breaths in and out, before you plunge back into the madness. 

Those of us with fearful dogs often measure progress by different standards than the rest of the canine world; we use a variable, highly individual, often microscopic system of measurement called “the smallest victory”. Celebrate the “small victories”, every day.

Good Enough 

Compassion starts with you; remind yourself daily that you are absolutely good enough. You don’t have to be the best; you just need to be good enough to meet your dog’s needs (and reach out for help if you get stuck). Regaining your compassion will also allow you to clearly see that “good enough” is “more than enough” for your dog.