Fine, When She Doesn’t See You
Little Daisy sat on her trusted person’s lap in the vet’s reception area, alternately trembling, barking, growling and flashing her teeth at other dogs waiting for their appointments nearby. Her tail was tucked tightly under her legs, her hackles were raised along her neck and her ears were pinned back, but she would orient her body to any dog that walked by. The receptionist jokingly said that Daisy was telling all the big dogs that she was the boss.
When her name was called, Daisy was carried by her person into an exam room, where she was placed on a stainless steel exam table. Daisy backed up to the edge of the table and started barking and growling at the vet tech as she filled out the intake form, and continued trembling and growling when the vet entered. Her tail was still clamped between her legs, her ears were pulled back on her head, her forehead was wrinkled and her lips were pulled back in a straight, stiff line. Daisy refused the treats that both her person and the vet offered.
As per clinic policy, the vet suggested that Daisy would be “more comfortable” if she was taken to the back for her nail trim and required vaccinations, so her person moved Daisy from the table to the floor and handed the leash to the tech.
Daisy stiffly followed the vet tech with great reluctance, and when Daisy stalled in the hallway, the vet tech applied tension to the leash and used kissy noises and a silly voice to “help Daisy along”. Ten minutes later, the tech brought Daisy back to her person with a glowing report of how smoothly everything went once Daisy “calmed down”. “Daisy was fine as soon as she didn’t see you anymore”, the vet tech said.
Daisy rushed to her person with wagging tail and frantic kisses, and tried to jump up into her person’s lap.
Fine in Public
Fred had always been shy around strangers and in large public places. Fred’s family wanted to include him in all their outings and decided that taking him on trips to dog-friendly home improvement stores would be a great way to help him get over his fear of people and places. It seemed like a solid plan, since he would be safe on leash and they could work on the obedience cues he learned in training class, all while they browsed the aisles for the projects they planned to complete in their home.
Fred did not want to leave the car when his family pulled into the store parking lot. After much pleading and some tugging on the leash, he finally jumped down and immediately sat to scratch vigorously at his neck. He startled at the sound of a shopping cart being slammed into a corral and tried pulling back to the car, but his family held firmly to the leash and waited for him to “calm down”. Fred shook himself off, and walked into the store at his person’s side with his tail low and ears back, panting lightly.
As he and his family walked the aisles, several people asked if they could pet Fred. His family always said yes, and gave the strangers some food to offer to Fred so he would associate them with treats. Fred would crouch down, and with his family’s encouragement, slowly approach the strangers and sniff their shoes. His ears were pinned back against his head, his tail was low and wagging slightly and he licked his lips several times. When the strangers reached down to give Fred the treat, he snatched the food and quickly retreated out of reach. His family was very happy that he was taking treats from strangers and thought he looked great when asked to heel through the garden section. He even did a long down stay (on his own!) in the appliance department, but surprisingly, he didn’t want the treat they offered.
On the way home, they agreed that even though he was a little reluctant at first, Fred ultimately did execute the cues they asked for and was actually fine with strangers, as long as they had food. All in all, they thought the outing was a good start to getting Fred comfortable in public places.
When Fine Isn’t Fine
Neither Daisy nor Fred was fine. Both dogs used subtle behaviors and more overt behaviors to very clearly tell us how they felt in those situations. And in both cases, when their obvious distress was ignored, they both shut down because nobody was listening.
All behavior has a function; there is a reason for every tail wag, lip lick and head turn. But until we become experts at reading the subtleties of our dog’s communication, we may overlook, misread or incorrectly interpret what our dog is telling us.
Very early on in my shelter behavior career, I was asked to bring a very fearful young dog to a home visit with a prospective adopter. On paper, the match was perfect: an older, dog-savvy single woman living in a quiet community of townhomes with lots of privacy, able to devote the time to a dog who would need lots of help feeling safe in the world.
There had been several previous visits at the shelter, then at a park, and now, finally, at the woman’s home. The dog hadn’t warmed up to the woman, but the woman was willing to keep trying, so we thought an environment away from the shelter might facilitate forging more of a bond. At the woman’s suggestion, I let the dog explore the first floor of the house. The dog frantically raced from room to room, tried to squeeze behind the furniture, then, after 10 minutes or so, laid down in the middle of the room on the rug, and started closing her eyes.
I still think about that little dog a lot, because although it looked like she was resting comfortably after exploring a new environment, she was anything but ‘fine’. In reality, the dog was looking for escape routes, and when she couldn’t find a way out, she tried to hide. Once she realized that there were no safe hiding spots, she literally tapped out. What appeared to be a dog settling into her potential new home was actually a form of learned helplessness. None of her previous behaviors resulted in her feeling safe, so she literally gave up.
The story has a happy ending, although not with that particular home visit. We opted not to move forward with that prospective adopter, and instead waited for a better match. The dog was ultimately adopted by a mother and teenage daughter, and although she remained somewhat shy, she went on to live a good life under far better conditions.
Fine is a Four Letter Word
Just because your dog looks fine in stressful situations, it doesn’t mean that her emotional state matches. “Well behaved”, “reserved”, “quiet” and “calm” may indicate significant fear and anxiety, especially if the initial signs of stress were ignored or misinterpreted.
These and similar scenarios are painfully common with well-meaning families who are desperate to help their fearful dog feel more comfortable in the larger world:
I want him to go hiking with me.
He needs to go to the groomer’s every month.
I want her to be my companion when I go to visit relatives.
I want him to get along with other dogs when we’re on our walks.
He needs to get used to visitors.
I want her to love my kids.
He should love the dog park.
I want her to like car rides.
She needs to be bathed.
I like playing rough and I want my dog to like it.
I want her to cuddle with me.
I need her to get used to apartment living.
To the untrained eye, your dog may seem “fine” in these situations, but if you focus on your dog’s behavior in the moment, a different story may start to emerge.
Observe Relentlessly
The first step in truly understanding your dog’s emotional state is to be relentlessly observant. Carefully watch your dog’s body language and catalog all the communication that you see. Every behavior has a purpose, and it’s your job to determine why your dog is doing what she is doing and what you can do to support her.
Being observant takes practice, and requires that you be completely present with your dog. You will need to consciously remove distractions while you practice honing your new superpower, so you can take note of even the smallest shifts in body language.
The biggest disservice we can do to our dogs is to assume that we know how they are feeling without actually paying attention to how they are acting at that exact moment in time.
In order to support our dog as sentient beings, it’s unacceptable to impose our agenda on our dogs without first asking them how they feel about it. Our job requires asking for their input and respecting their autonomy. Then we can carefully curate an experience that our dog will be able to handle emotionally, even if it means adjusting our expectations.
Reevaluate What You Think You Know
Let’s take a closer look at little Daisy in the vet’s office to see how she’s REALLY feeling.
Although it may seem like “typical” small dog behavior, there is nothing typical (regardless of a dog’s size), about the clear signs of severe stress that Daisy is exhibiting. Daisy’s fear was obvious, until the report came back from the vet tech that she was calm in the back. How could she switch from severely stressed to calm in the space of just a few minutes while among strangers, after getting a dump of adrenaline and cortisol from her wait in the reception room and her exam with the vet? What changed in that short timespan? What likely happened was Daisy’s realization that nothing she could do would make a difference in the outcome of events. She learned that her communications were ignored in favor of getting the job done; not once did anyone respect her input and adjust the appointment accordingly.
And how about poor Fred, who just wanted to stay home snoozing on the couch? His public appearance debut was doomed from the first tug on the leash in the parking lot. He did not have the skills or the experience to assimilate all the sights, sounds, smells and textures that assaulted him, and his attempts to get back to the safety of the car were thwarted with each step closer to the entrance of the store. Despite his family’s good intentions, strangers offering Fred food only served to heighten his approach avoidance conflict. His laying down in the aisle and refusing food underscored his complete overwhelm in the face of so many triggers he couldn’t avoid.
Maybe Less is Fine, Too
Learned helplessness is an extreme reaction to fear. Your dog isn’t learning anything productive in these situations except that you cannot be trusted to keep her safe. Feeling safe is the basis of everything that comes after: trust, security, connection, resilience and confidence; all qualities we work to foster from the first moment our dogs enter our lives.
Respecting your dog’s feelings and limiting situations where she becomes stressed is vital to combat learned helplessness. Over the course of many training sessions, a slow, methodical introduction to each separate component of a new situation can give your dog the skills and confidence she needs to succeed. A good rule of thumb if you’re not sure if your dog would thrive in a new situation or environment is the phrase, “If in doubt, don’t.” Don’t throw your dog in with no preparation and hope for the best. Reevaluate your plans to ensure a successful outcome, even if it’s not what you originally dreamed of. Maybe you can work up to the outings you hoped to share or find alternate ways for you both to enjoy each other’s company that don’t cause stress for either of you.
How would you make Daisy’s experience at the vet less stressful? What would you do differently to ease Fred’s fears?
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