Truly, Madly, Deeply
I am truly, madly, deeply in love with my shy girl, Katie. In fact, I am surprised that endorphins don’t literally shoot out the top of my head whenever she glances my way. Her physical beauty is breathtaking: Have you seen eyes quite that shade of brown? Don’t you love her little black spots peeking through her white fur? Look at that elegant nose!
Her keen intelligence may be unmatched in the canine world: Can you see her superior intellect as she cunningly sidles up to the unsupervised counter laden with food? Watch her sniff around the room and find the exact spot where the broccoli fell!
Katie also has a sense of humor: Are you looking for your glasses, because I have them in my mouth. How about your slipper, because I have that in my mouth. What about the three day old sandwich under the boy’s bed, because I ate the sandwich, but am graciously saving the bag for you. In my mouth.
Katie is an extraordinary dog. Her beauty, intelligence and mischievousness add so much to our family. She is a gentle soul who likes nothing more than to be curled on her bed in the kitchen or outside watching the cars go by from the fenced in yard.
But….
Katie also barks at every family member (except for me) every time they walk into the house, as if they were ax wielding psychopaths. She ducks and covers from hands that reach out to pet her, and really, really really, does not like other dogs that rush into her personal space. She is scared of guests in our home, strangers outside our home and whines at dinner time if she is not laying right next to my chair. The good news is that every one of these issues can be managed and most are being successfully addressed with behavior modification.
So, What’s The Problem?
While endorphins may be shooting out of the top of my head whenever Kate looks at me, other family members are more likely to have steam coming out of their ears. They’re tired of being barked at, tired of her shying away when they want to be affectionate and are REALLY tired of me giving painfully detailed instructions on how to interact with her multiple times a day.
Family Dynamics
If we accept that we have a fearful dog living with our family and make the tremendous commitment to love her as she is, we may also end up changing our lifestyle, modifying our social calendar and asking our family members to do the same. But not every person in the family has the patience, ability or interest to follow suit and change themselves for the family dog. To be fair, few people willingly sign up for living with a dog who has significant behavior issues. To be consistent and follow a training plan at all times is daunting for even the most seasoned shy dog fan.
Copacetic Cohabitation
How can you maintain a balanced life for your family as well as for your dog? The following are 9 lessons learned from living with three fearful dogs (and 2 non-fearful dogs, 9 cats, 4 guinea pigs and 4 humans) over a span nineteen years:
- Set your family, including your dog, up for success. Have multiple safe spaces for your dog to retreat, and at least two barriers between the family’s living spaces and the dog’s safe spaces.
- Praise any attempt on your family’s part to positively, appropriately interact with the dog. Be specific about what you saw happening when you compliment, then close your mouth. Now is not the time to offer constructive criticism.
- Give your family a break. Offer your dog a big frozen kong, bully sick or marrow bone in his safe space, and let the family move freely about the house or eat a “dog free” dinner.
- Never, ever, EVER leave your dog unsupervised with children, guests or any family member who doesn’t understand or respect your dog’s boundaries.
- Respect family members’ limitations. Some people can’t or won’t assist in the training plan. As long as they don’t undermine the dog’s progress, don’t ask them to participate.
- It can be emotionally and financially draining to love a special needs dog. Check in with other family members when you are calm and well rested, and brainstorm how you can all make the journey a positive one. It’s important that everyone feel validated and respected, because the last thing you want to hear is, “You love that dog better than you love me!”
- Offer training advice sparingly to family members. Ask yourself how it will tangibly benefit them before you launch into a long winded discourse.
- Be compassionate with yourself and your family. Some days are going to be hard. Mistakes will be made. It’s ok to be frustrated or sad, just don’t take it out on the dog or humans around you. Take some deep breaths, remove yourself from the situation (as long as your dog is safe) and scream into the pillow, eat the ice-cream or call a friend. Then calmly analyze the problem, make a list of possible solutions and start again tomorrow.
- The right trainer or behavioral professional can quite literally save your family from tearing itself apart. Reach out for help sooner rather than later, and follow the training plan that the trainer recommends.
Question: What’s your family’s greatest challenge living with a shy and fearful dog?
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