A Guide to Helping Your Fearful Dog Feel Safe Around Family Members

It’s Not Always Easy

Fear of family members is a complex topic for those of us who live with and work with fearful dogs. This fear does not usually resolve over time unless thoughtful and consistent management and modification techniques are implemented, but there is hope.

For many families who live with a fearful dog, there is often one family member who ignites anywhere from mild anxiety to full-blown panic when they walk into a room. Your dog’s reactions may range from subtly turning her head or body away, licking her lips, pulling her ears back, tucking her tail or moving away; to showing the whites of her eyes (whale eye), stiffness throughout her body, piloerection (raised hackles), barking, growling and lunging. All of these physical signs communicate that she is afraid, and immediately needs more distance and less interaction to feel safe.

In this article, we will generically refer to the resident adult person(s) that your dog struggles with as a ‘family member’. If your dog is scared of more than one family member, work with only one person at a time. For the immediate future, it would be ideal if the one person your dog trusts most takes over the daily responsibilities of feeding, walking, brushing, etc. Temporarily limit your dog’s interactions with the family members who scare her to reduce her exposure and proximity to the person(s) who causes her the most anxiety.  

Why Is My Dog Acting This Way?

Unless you have first-hand knowledge of your dog’s parentage, maternal stress and welfare levels during pregnancy, sibling interactions, socialization history, and any trauma, neglect, or abuse she may have suffered, you may never get a clear answer as to why your dog is afraid.

And despite your best attempts at nurturing a well-rounded canine family member, your dog may still be afraid. Genetics, epigenetics, and life experience are all unique to your individual dog.

It may be possible that your dog has had past trauma with a person who looks, acts, or sounds like the family member who can’t seem to make friends with your dog, no matter how hard they try. But it is even more likely that your dog has been inadequately or incorrectly socialized and wasn’t exposed to a wide range of people, places, and things during her critical socialization period. That critical window closes at around 4 months of age, after which it becomes much harder to introduce new experiences if your dog doesn’t already have a solid foundation.

This lack of socialization (often paired with a genetic predisposition for fear) is especially true for dogs adopted from rural shelters, puppy mills, poorly educated breeders, or countries with a high population of street dogs or dogs kept for the deplorable meat trade industry. Not only are these dogs forced to contend with unfamiliar humans, they are thrust into a brand new environment that bears no resemblance to where they spent the first part of their lives.

Safety First, Last, and Always

Fear is not a choice; it is hardwired into your dog’s DNA to keep her safe. Some fear is a good thing; it ensures that she can keep herself alive to (theoretically) produce future generations. 

Feeling safe is imperative for every organism’s health and quality of life. Fearful dogs, by definition, do not feel safe. Fear can decrease appetite, accelerate heart rate and breathing, increase cortisol and adrenaline production, disrupt sleep patterns, and shut down the thinking and learning part of the brain. If your dog does not feel safe, she may act instinctively to do whatever is necessary to increase her distance from any situation that causes her to feel afraid, anxious, and unsafe. 

Fear is considered maladaptive when it interferes with or reduces your dog’s quality of life; that’s where you can help. Your first job is to eliminate or minimize the triggers (which may be people, places, objects, or sensory experiences) that cause your dog’s fear and help her establish or regain her sense of safety.  

Once you implement management strategies that reduce your dog’s fear and anxiety and increase her feelings of safety, then you can work on slowly changing those negative emotions to positive emotions through behavior modification.

Roadmap for Happiness 

To help your fearful dog feel more comfortable with specific family members, you’ll first need to change your narrative. Consciously shift from a fixed mindset: “That’s just the way she is.” or “There’s nothing we can do.” to a growth mindset: “My dog hasn’t yet learned that (insert scary family member’s name here) is predictable, respectful of her need for space and always shows up with amazing treats. This growth mindset can help you change your own perspective, and when you start focusing on the solution, instead of the problem, you are modeling that growth mindset for your whole family. 

These are the steps we will take to help you help your dog lessen her fear and anxiety over time:

1. Educate yourself.
2. Modify family members’ interactions with your dog to create predictability.
3. Manage your dog’s environment so she feels safe.
4. Manage family members around your dog.
5. Offer enrichment to decrease anxiety and increase confidence.
6. Create opportunities for agency (how your dog chooses to interact (or not!) with you and her environment)
7. Modify her behavior with counterconditioning/desensitization
8. Evaluate progress
9. Maintain her skills

1. Educate Yourself

Your dog is communicating all the time. Understanding canine body language is the first and most critical step to learning to listen and respond to what your dog is really saying. 

Start by educating yourself and become fluent in reading your dog’s body language. It will help you make more informed decisions for appropriate ways to interact with your dog, and when to give her more space.

Source: Welfare4Animals.org

This video is also a good resource for learning dog body language.

Dog communication, much like human communication, is on a continuum from whispering to screaming. In your dog’s case, initial ‘whispers’ of fear may be subtle (like a slight hesitation, a lip lick, or turning her head away). If they are ignored or misinterpreted, behaviors over time tend to become more pronounced, leading up to ‘screaming’: freezing, bolting, growling, lunging, snapping, and biting. The more obvious her communication, the more unsafe your dog is feeling and the more desperate she is to gain distance from the thing or person that scares her.

Most of the time, your dog’s loudest ‘screaming’ behavior is designed to look intimidating (or conversely, completely non-threatening) so the trigger will move off on his or her own, which in turn gives your dog more space, which allows her to regain a sense of personal safety. Viewed through the lens of evolution, your dog’s communication is designed to avoid physical altercations, which conserve energy and keep her alive. When her body language is ignored or she is pushed too far, your dog may learn that a growl, snap, or bite very effectively stops the scary thing from moving closer, and in fact, is very efficient at making them move away quite speedily! 

Since dogs behave in ways that work for them, the next time a trigger approaches, your dog may be much quicker to escalate to more extreme communication because it was so effective at stopping the last trigger from advancing.

Source: Kendal Shepherd DVM via Sally J Foote DVM, www.footeandfriends.com

Dogs very rarely bite “out of the blue” or “with no warning”:  

• It takes education, interest, and skilled observation to accurately interpret a dog’s body language. It is not a skill that most people possess without practice. Your dog’s communication can unfortunately be misinterpreted, misunderstood, or ignored.

• Some dogs, depending on the individual and the breed, may move very quickly through the more subtle signs of unease and fear, skip some altogether, or have physical features like shaggy fur or upright ears that obscure some communication. Unless you are paying very close attention, you may miss these early warning signals.

• Physical ailments, advanced age, pain, and comfort level can all heighten your dog’s fear and anxiety, causing her to act in uncharacteristic ways to protect herself from further pain or discomfort. Always start with a thorough vet check if your dog’s behavior has changed, to rule out any underlying physical issues.

• If your dog has been previously punished for exhibiting more intense forms of communication, such as a hard stare, full body stiffness, a growl, snarl, lunge, or air snap, she may quickly learn to repress the early warning signals and move straight to a bite.

Work hard at learning to identify your dog’s whispers, her smallest, earliest signs of anxiety, so she doesn’t have to resort to shouting. Become an expert with your dog so you can be her best advocate.

2. Modify your Interactions

Your actions and intentions matter more than you could ever imagine. Fearful dogs are finely tuned to human body language, especially alert to those family members of whom they are scared. Try to minimize the physical space you occupy to reduce your dog’s anxiety about people:

• Turn sideways to minimize your silhouette, rather than standing square with legs apart. 
• Allow your arms to hang naturally at your sides instead of crossing them in front of you.
• Glance softly at your dog only as necessary, instead of staring at her.
• Release the tension in your own body. Be aware of stiffness in your shoulders, neck, and jaw, and try to relax those muscles.
• Be aware that a person’s tread, gait, gestures, clothing choices (hats, sunglasses, heavy boots), facial hair, personal hygiene products, and both volume and pitch of voice can add to your dog’s fear. While it may not be possible to change these issues, at least be aware of them to minimize their impact whenever possible. 
• Do not walk directly toward your dog, stand close or bend over her. That puts a tremendous amount of psychological pressure on her. If you absolutely must move past, walk in an arc around her to give her more time to adjust to a person closing distance.

3. Manage the Environment

Behaviors that are practiced become stronger, so we need to manage the environment (including your family’s interactions with your dog) so we eliminate the opportunity for any unwanted behavior to occur. 

• Make sure that your dog has multiple safe spaces and escape routes. Without the ability to retreat voluntarily away from potential triggers, it makes it very difficult to lower and regulate her constant vigilance and high anxiety. Her safe spaces should not be approached by the person your dog fears.

• If there are areas where your dog consistently shows fear, until there is a behavior plan in place, manage those areas by restricting access or rotating the dog and people through those areas so that there is no conflict. Remember: practice makes perfect and we don’t want your dog to practice behaviors that aren’t working for your family. e.g. if your dog consistently barks at your spouse when he walks in the room, make a schedule so that your spouse can come in and relax in his favorite chair while your dog relaxes with a stuffed kong in another room.  

• Baby gates and x-pens are also excellent management tools to keep everyone separate and safe. They can be further augmented by draping sheets over them to reduce visual stimulation and your dog’s constant monitoring of the area for the ‘scary’ family member.

• Masking voices from other parts of the house with white or brown noise, a fan, or soft music may help your dog stay calm.

4. Manage the Humans

From this point forward, you and your family members are going to be consistent so your dog learns that you are not threatening: 

• If your dog has shown no improvement with what your family members have been doing so far, stop (at least for now). Everyone needs to take a break, decompress, and devise some new strategies. This is your chance to make a fresh start by modifying your interactions with your dog, managing her space, and managing your family members.

• Try having your family member “play hard to get” (a phrase coined by trainer Jamie McKay) and benevolently ignore your dog. We are trying to establish that the family member is predictable in all their interactions and respectful of her current need for space. Your family member is not going to approach her, feed her, entice her to move closer to them, or otherwise interact with her. They need to give her as much distance as possible at all times. Predictability can often decrease anxiety because your dog can accurately anticipate what will happen next. It takes the uncertainty out of the equation.

• All family members should become more aware of where they are standing in relation to where your dog needs to go. If she is scared of narrow passages and feels further constricted by the looming presence of a person close by, it will compound her fear of both. When in doubt, quietly back up and give her more distance.

• Don’t swap the leash with the person your dog is afraid of. You are forcing close proximity and tethering your dog much closer than she would ever choose to be, without the option of moving away.

• Don’t have the person your dog is afraid of feeding her meals or even offer her treats from their hands with the hope that your dog will eventually habituate or “get used to them”. 

Your dog needs food to survive and may push through her fear to obtain it. Although she may take (or snatch) the food, she is not becoming more comfortable with its source, causing approach-avoidance conflict. By asking her to choose between staying at a distance where she feels safe or moving closer to the scary person to get the food, you run the risk of sensitizing, or making her fear more intense. 

Learn more about approach-avoidance conflict: Hand-feeding Fearful Dogs: Fool-Proof or Faux Pas?

• Consider muzzle training for an added level of safety and management during your training sessions. Muzzles are NEVER, EVER to be used to force your dog to interact with the trigger, or to bring your dog too close, too fast. Muzzle conditioning needs to be done slowly and positively, well before introducing modification protocols. 

The muzzle needs to be a properly fitted basket-type muzzle that allows your dog the ability to pant, drink water, and receive treats. Not all basket muzzles are bite-proof, so do your research based on your dog’s size and muzzle shape. 

Learn more: The Muzzle Up Project

Muzzles are designed to reduce the risk of a bite and possibly lower your anxiety, but will not change how your dog feels about her environment. You still need to work on changing her emotions through behavior modification. 

5. Enrichment

Licking and chewing can reduce anxiety, promote calmness, increase endorphins, and be mentally engaging. While enrichment won’t necessarily solve behavioral issues, it may help your dog learn to slightly relax over time and reduce some of her anxiety. For fearful dogs, I recommend the easiest and most basic feeders to guarantee success. 

The two I like to start with are the “licky mat” and the Toppl (or similar). Start by loosely spreading something soft, like cream cheese, pureed meat baby food (no onions or garlic added), or some peanut butter (no xylitol or birch sugar added) on the mat or in the Toppl to make it very easy for your dog to lick the contents. Once she is successful at licking the soft food, you can spread the cheese, etc., and freeze it in the freezer for a bit of a challenge. The Toppl can also be filled with a mixture of wet food, crushed banana, and non-fat plain Greek yogurt, topped with a smear of peanut butter (no xylitol or birch sugar), and frozen.

Try to make enrichment part of the daily routine, to become predictable and anticipated.

These are some other easy enrichment activities:

• Food scattered on the floor (or in pesticide-free grass for more of a challenge) 
• A scrunched-up bath towel with kibble spread in, on, and under it 
• Hide and seek with a favorite toy 
• Paper bags or boxes with treats that your dog can rip and shred
• A “sniffari” walk, where you take all the time your dog wants and needs to sniff and explore her environment

For more enrichment ideas:

Canine Enrichment Ideas

Canine Enrichment

Beyond the Bowl – Canine Enrichment

As with all enrichment, please supervise your dog and modify activities to suit her needs and abilities.

* Please separate multiple dogs when engaged with their food enrichment, so they can all enjoy their treats without concern for competition.

6. Opportunities for Agency: More Choice, Less Restriction

Offering your dog choices (when it is safe to do so) can increase her sense of agency, which is the ability to exert control over her environment and circumstances. Providing options gives her a chance to make decisions based on her preferences and internal state, builds her confidence, and can go a long way to reducing anxiety. 

Give her the freedom to choose the direction of her walks, or even if she wants a walk! Offer choices for playtime, snacks, enrichment, sleeping places, and surfaces. Examine your dog’s day, and make a list of all the ways you can allow her to make choices based on her immediate needs and wishes. You’ll learn a lot about her by observing her decision-making process.

To Pet or Not To Pet

Inviting physical proximity is also a perfect opportunity to offer your dog agency. Just as some people enjoy being physically close to others while others prefer to hold themselves physically apart, dogs have the same personal preferences. Your dog may enjoy physical contact, but it could be dependent on many factors. Internal emotional state, current comfort level (sleeping peacefully on her bed vs. watching a squirrel out the window), general physical health, past experience, time of day, household activity level, and genetic predisposition all may influence how your dog feels about being touched at a specific moment in time. And there are some dogs (and people) who are quite averse to touch, but enjoy non-physical expressions of affection. 

For you to give your dog as much agency as possible, diligently observe how your dog interacts with you and others. Rather than going up to your dog and assuming that she wants cuddles, ask her with voice and gesture if she would like to come to you for interaction. Both her “yes” (coming closer to you) and her “no” (staying where she is) are valid answers that reflect her individuality and current state, not a commentary on her love for you.

3-2-1 and Done

An easy technique to use when petting your dog is the “3-2-1 and Done” method. If your dog voluntarily solicits physical touch from you, pet her in a neutral spot (often on the chest or the side of the neck)* and mentally count down “3 and 2 and 1”. Then quietly remove your hand and observe what your dog does next. Does she lean in or otherwise “tell” you that she wants more? Or does she turn away or walk away? If she stays near, pet for another count of three, then remove your hand and observe her body language for what she wants you to do next. This method gives her agency over the amount and duration of touch she receives and it teaches her that you can be trusted to respect her wishes.

*I don’t advocate initially petting a dog on top of the head. Most dogs have to be taught to accept people reaching over them to pet them on the head and ears, and even then may not enjoy it. It is highly unlikely that your fearful dog is truly comfortable with being thumped on the head, by you or anyone else. She may endure it, but she may also pull away, lick her lips, get still, or even snap in an attempt to make you stop the rudeness. Petting should always be consensual and positive for both of you.

7. Behavior Modification

To start the process of changing your dog’s feelings towards a particular family member, we employ the classical conditioning techniques of counterconditioning and desensitization. 

Counterconditioning (CC) relies on pairing extremely high-value treats with the appearance of the trigger (in this case a family member), and stopping the treats when the trigger moves out of sight. This technique uses something your dog finds highly rewarding (steak, bits of egg, sardine, freeze-dried liver, etc.) to start changing her emotional response towards something or someone that she is afraid of. 

Desensitization (DS) utilizes a distance that your dog can take food and engage with you as the starting point for gradual exposure to the trigger. Over days, weeks, or months, and with repeated exposure at a safe distance, your dog learns that she can remain safe in the presence of the trigger. 

If your dog starts exhibiting signs of stress or discomfort, you are too close or have moved too fast! It is critical that your dog determines the distance at which she feels safe and can remain under threshold, which is often much greater than we humans assume.

Let the Fun Begin

To fully utilize CC/DS you will need excellent communication between the person the dog trusts (who will also dispense treats during the training exercises) and the family member (the trigger).

1. Start by dropping the treats on the floor, one after the other, fairly rapidly, as soon as the trigger appears and immediately stop the treats when the trigger goes away. This technique is also known as ‘Open Bar, Closed Bar’. It was developed by world-renowned trainer, Jean Donaldson. This video shows counterconditioning with a dog who is afraid of other dogs. The principle of ‘Open Bar, Closed Bar’ can be used with any person, animal, or object that causes the dog to be afraid.
   
2. Ideally, the trigger needs to remain at the distance so that your dog doesn’t go over threshold  (inability to take treats, stiffness throughout the body, hard stare, growling, barking, etc.) for counterconditioning to be most effective. 

3. We must first change the underlying emotion before we start to see a change in behavior. Since your dog barks or backs away from the family member out of fear, we need to reduce her fear, which in turn will make it less likely that she will react. If she’s not afraid, the previously fearful reaction will diminish over time.

The important points to remember:

• Treats need to be highly appealing to your dog, so work hard at finding what she loves. The treats should be small, no bigger than a pinky nail.
• The trigger (family member) needs to appear and remain at a distance so that your dog doesn’t go over threshold (unable to take treats, staring, getting stiff, barking, growling, lunging, etc.). If possible, common spaces in the house can be temporarily rearranged to make maintaining distance easier for everyone.
• The family member needs to move through the space without stopping to look at or talk to your dog. 
• Your dog’s trusted person needs to start quietly dropping treats for her just as the trigger (family member) appears, not before he appears!
• The treats stop as soon as the trigger (family member) is out of sight.
• Do not ask your dog to do anything to “earn” the treats. Even if she is barking, still toss treats to her (but greatly increase the distance for the next training session).
• If you and your family start this process, it needs to be consistent. Otherwise, it will not change how your dog is feeling and will confuse her more.
• If your dog is reluctant to take treats, or she is taking treats with escalating force or has stopped taking treats altogether, you are much too close to the trigger and need to incorporate much, much more distance in your next training setup. If your dog is still struggling with increased distance, immediately stop the training session and let your dog decompress safely and quietly in her safe space with some long-lasting food enrichment. 
• Counterconditioning and desensitization rely on pairing high-value reinforcement (treats) with the trigger (family member) at the right distance, intensity, and exposure to keep your dog able to think and learn. Keep training sessions short, even 2-5 minutes, to end on a positive note. 
• Your dog is working hard to change what may be some deeply ingrained feelings and behaviors. Give her downtime after her training sessions by providing quiet enrichment or going for a “sniffari”.    
• Practice this technique first without your dog, so you and your family member can rehearse your parts with no pressure, and refine your approach.
• Minimize all distractions. When you are actively training your dog with these techniques, keep the area clear of other pets or family members who are not participating in the training session. 

To clarify a common misconception: we are NOT rewarding barking or other outward behaviors when we drop treats during counterconditioning. We ARE changing her negative associations into positive ones with the use of very high-value treats while the trigger is at a distance. As her feelings grow more positive, her behavior will naturally become less stressed, anxious, and fearful because she is feeling less stressed, anxious, and fearful. 

As a safety precaution, use secure baby gates or x-pens to maintain a clear separation between your dog and the trigger. We NEVER want to put anyone (human or dog) in danger.

If your dog is conditioned to love a properly fitted basket muzzle, you can use the muzzle during your training sessions. Remember that while it may keep you and others physically safe, it does not make your dog FEEL more safe; only successful management and behavior modification will increase her feelings of safety. 

Although not ideal, if a distance at which your dog can remain under threshold is not possible in the house, you can try dropping treats right in front of your dog’s nose so she will break eye contact with the trigger and stop barking, even for a second, to eat the treats off the ground. If your dog ignores the treats, immediately stop the session. Engage the help of a qualified trainer to help you develop a behavior modification protocol better suited for your needs.

More to Try

The ultimate goal is for your dog to equate your family member with receiving the best treats ever, and to start eagerly anticipating their appearance. These next techniques can supplement more formal training sessions:  

• Leave high-value treats around the house in sealed containers in safe locations. The family member can (at a distance) move through the space while quietly and gently tossing a treat to your dog, and continue on their way. This acts as a double reward: yummy treats every time the family member appears, and the bonus of the family member moving away, taking pressure off your dog. The family member should not ask your dog for any behaviors (e.g. sit, down, etc.) as a prerequisite to get the treat. 

Your dog will soon anticipate that every time the family member appears, she gets a yummy treat and they will continue to walk away. This sets up a predictable pattern over time; something your fearful dog thrives on. 

As much as possible, gently toss treats* from as great a distance as practical and calmly walk away, so as not to cause approach-avoidance conflict.

*A note on the art of tossing treats: please do not wind up like you are pitching in the Major Leagues. Instead, slow your movements down and gently toss the treat underhand with as little force as necessary.

• Treat and Retreat is a simple, effective way to get your dog more comfortable around people by allowing her the choice to approach (or not). Trainer Suzanne Clothier and Dr. Ian Dunbar are both credited with developing this incredibly powerful technique.

The goal of Treat and Retreat is to get your dog to become comfortable enough to VOLUNTARILY move closer to a willing family member at her own pace.

Learn more: How To Help a Shy and Fearful Dog Choose To Move Closer To You

In between training sessions, remember to have your family member act aloof and benevolently “ignore” your dog for now; it is the greatest kindness you can offer her.

8. Evaluate Progress

Changing any emotional response, especially a fear-based response, takes time, effort, and some skill. The two best ways to evaluate whether your dog is progressing are by taking videos of your training sessions and keeping a simple log.

Videos

Videos are invaluable to review your timing of delivering treats when the trigger (family member) appears, as well as your dog’s body language and your family member’s interactions during training. You will often observe things in a video that you aren’t able to see in real time because you are focused on your dog. Videos can also be slowed down, so you can see the miniscule changes in your dog’s body language and behavior. 

If you ultimately enlist the help of a trainer or decide to consult with a veterinary behaviorist (a specialized veterinarian who has additional education, board certification, and experience in the field of behavior), your videos can accurately convey exactly what you’ve been working on. 

Logs

Simple logs, whether written or electronic, enable you to document what worked, what didn’t, and any notable conditions (weather, family-related, illness, new food, new location, etc.) that may influence your training. Over time, you may notice trends or patterns, and fine tune your training based on your observations. A log is also a valuable tool to present to a training or veterinary professional.

Extra Help

The emotion of fear, and its subsequent modification to a more positive emotion, is both complex and nuanced. If you have been working on your own with no improvement, or are at any time concerned about the safety of your family or your dog, please enlist the expertise of a certified, force-free, reward-based trainer with documented experience working with fearful dogs. 

A qualified trainer can help you set up management strategies and develop a behavior modification plan tailored to your unique circumstances. 

9. Maintain (and Reward!) Skills

Set your dog up for success in all things. If you can’t actively supervise interactions with family members, use management to keep everyone safe and separated. If your dog is responding to your management and modification interventions, keep rewarding her for any and all positive behavior that you would like to see repeated in the future. 

And don’t forget to celebrate any progress, no matter how small it may seem. You are asking your dog to change responses and habits that are often deeply ingrained.

Although your dog’s fear of family members can be challenging, taking a holistic approach to reduce her fear can ultimately increase every family member’s happiness, welfare, and safety, including your dog.